Diversity At The White House Completed - A White Janitor To Swab The Toilets

The Biden Administration had been whole hog, all in on diversity; and had gone farther even than Bill Clinton who famously announced that his Cabinet would 'look like America'.  Biden did not stop at the Cabinet - the nation's showpiece - but went deep into the weeds and assured that every post had some color, ethnicity, and gender shading.  His Press Secretary, for example, was a trifecta - a black, gay woman who had the added cachet of Third World heritage. 

Of course there were some stumbles along the way.  There were no Colin Powells to be had in the black community- he was a one of a kind if you discount Barack Obama  Powell was a man of impeccable stature, field experience, and reputation, none like him - so the President regrettably had to pick a white man for Secretary of State, the top job which should have been the jewel in the crown of diversity, but as hard as he and his staff tried, they came up empty. 

The howls from the Squad were shrill.  These women of color and diverse ethnicity were outraged not only because he was a white man but a Jew of all things, Jew of genocidal Israel, downtown usurers, and sexually predatory Hollywood moguls.  Besides, there were palatable options like Amir el-Aksa, a black man from the Anacostia inner city, convert to Islam, radical preacher and Howard University graduate.  

The man had poise, presence, and import.  His struggle to survive single motherhood, an absent father, and the specious claims of a number of women, made him exactly the type of man needed to represent America.  Gone were the days of the white, supremacist, Ivy League morons who had dominated the State Department for so many generations.

Despite their clamor they were unsuccessful and the Department went to Biden's default choice.  This didn't stop the women, however, and they perched like harpies over the shoulder of the Chief of Diversity to monitor each and every White House candidate. 

The Chief of Diversity oversaw recruitment and hiring and assured the President that at each level of employment the White House would be diverse - blacks, American Indians, Latinos, Pacific Islanders, and every possible combination on the gender spectrum would be represented. He had hoped to do a diversity quickstep and double and triple up like the Press Secretary.  He was a busy man and this would save time and energy. 

So the recruitment went well, and diversity was prominent up and down the employment scale - except at the facility maintenance level which was all black, marginally educated, and from local inner city neighborhoods.  There was no diversity selection here - these were the cleaning ladies, garbage men, and janitors that picked up and cleaned up everyone's trash in the white neighborhoods of Ward 3.  They were cheap, easily replaceable, and available. 

It then occurred to the White House recruiters that if they did in fact diversify at this level, it would be a political coup.  A white janitor, an absolute rarity in both official Washington and outside the Beltway, would be just the thing.  It would show critics a thing or two - diversity did indeed include whites - and at the same time, by putting a white man in the boiler room would upset the applecart. 'See', the appointment would say, 'Diversity is for everyone'. 

Of course the janitorial staff, happy to have jobs that paid well and required little work, objected. 'We want no white bitch down here', they said. 'What the fuck you want to do that for?' And so it was that an ironic turf battle began.  As much as recruiters explained, discussed, and persuaded, the black cleaners wouldn't budge.  The broom closet, the mops and buckets, the dumpsters and trash bins would remain black and black forever.  

The bickering, bitching, and complaining went on for weeks; but a more pressing problem for the recruiters was where to find a white janitor, as scarce as hens' teeth no matter where you looked. 'What about West Virginia', said one staffer.  Everyone was white, poor, and barefoot in the hollers, but someone had to pick up the trash.  Four generations had worked in the coal mines, never made it past fourth grade, lived in tarpaper shacks and never saw much of anything except coal dust, cornpone, and scrapings, married within the family, and coughed their way into the grave. 

'This is the place', said a staffer, and so it was that Carney Phelps recently on disability and on the dole after years in the mines was hired.  For the last year he had been hauling trash and cleaning the toilets of the county.  His appointment would 1) round out the President's diversity agenda; 2) keep clean and clear the progressive policy of favoring the oppressed; and 3) give white people a dose of their own medicine. 

'Cracker cunt', said Pharoah Jones, head of the janitorial crew, 'he don't belong here'; but belong there he did.  Phelps had never spent any time with black people - poor as it was, Beacon's Hollow was as white as snow, so the boiler room was an adjustment.  The food was great, far better than the swill the county served at lunch break, and soon enough he got used chili dogs and half-smokes. 

After a few weeks, the black janitorial staff left Carney alone, let him be, kept him out of their hair; and Carney, surprised and happy at his good fortune, dumped the trash and swabbed the toilets with care and respect. The President might have sat there. 

'What about the upstairs maids?', another member of the diversity recruitment staff asked.  'All Salvadoran and Honduran women. Can't have that'; but the Chief of Diversity was tired and wanted no more cracker-search hunts for white maids in the hollers, and let the rice-and-beans contingent be. No one would notice. 

And so it was that diversity at the White House was completed, jobs top to bottom reviewed, vetted and replaced with more appropriate staff. 'Come have a look', Biden's Chief of Diversity said to him before he took the President on a tour of conference rooms, alcoves, boiler rooms, and bedchambers.  There was a black face everywhere, and one stark, bald white one in the basement.