How To Fix An Election - 'Just Winning Is Not Enough', Said Kamala Harris

Kamala Harris, the Democratic Presidential nominee read the results of the Venezuela election which returned Nicolas Maduro to office by a large margin.  The opposition and those independent observers still in the country reported massive fraud, and that by all rights the man should have been turned out of office. 

 

'I wonder how he did it?', Kamala asked her top political adviser. 

'He cheated', the aide replied 

'I know that', Harris replied. 'I want to know how he cheated', to which the aide mumbled something about jiggered voting machines, double counting, compromised ballot counters, and...

'Stop right there', the Vice President said. 'Find out, and come back to me with a report by tomorrow morning'. 

Kamala was amazed that in this electronic, transparent age, ballots could still be rigged.  At least Maduro had the good sense to win by just a few percentage points.  Idris Deby, Idi Amin, the Burmese Colonels, and a former Malian strongman had no qualms about international outrage and won nearly 100 percent of the votes.  Mobuto, when the overwhelming number of votes were cast for him and  counted, said, 'My people love me'. 

 

Putin and Xi of Russia and China have made it clear that the future of their countries is too important to be left to chance,  A train running smoothly should never be derailed, destiny cannot be denied, the glories of the Imperial past will once again shine, they said; and so every few years there was desultory interest in an election, a minor irritation, an unwanted but necessary show of democratic intent if not reality, and always won by the party in power by a wide margin. 

Washington DC 'Mayor For Life', Marion Barry was a master of 'walkin' around money' - pay the grocery bills, give Cousin Alfonso a no-show job, redirect ADC and food stamp money to those first in line at the voting booth - so he didn't have to jigger the machines or pay off the Election Commission. Generosity did the trick. 

Then there was Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, one of a long line of corrupt Illinois politicians who did everything possible to win and win big, everything from rigging to phantom voters, to walkin' around money to payoffs galore.  There were so many dead men on the voting rolls that the city was running out of cemeteries to canvass. 

'It was simple', Kamala's aide reported to her on the Maduro election.  'He told the Election Commission that he was to win by no less than ten percent but no more, and threatened to send their families to Guyana if he didn't', 

'Can't have that, the Vice President said.  'Even if I could'. 

Now, Ms. Harris knew enough about the electoral process to know that the days of Mayor Daley, Hinky Dink, Bathhouse John, and Marion Barry were over.  There were simply too many federal watchdogs around these days, so to assure an election - really assure an election - one had to be very careful.  Just like robbing a supposedly impregnable bank, the job would be difficult but doable. 

Richard Nixon almost got away with it, he just had bad luck.  Somebody during the Watergate break-in dropped a monkey wrench or shined a flashlight the wrong way, and the whole misadventure came apart. Had the White House 'plumbers' been a little more careful, Nixon would have remained President for another four years.  'It can be done', she said to herself. 

Her Democratic party had done their level best to 'adjust' the electoral landscape to favor victory - they had gerrymandered Congressional districts wherever they could in the name of racial equity - an all black district would no longer be in the thrall of white, racist Republicans - but that only put a dent in things.  

The party had also done its best to assure that no voter ID would be required for voting - another attempt to franchise poor black voters with no visible means of identification, but a move that would add otherwise stay-at-home voters to the rolls.  They had used COVID as a pretense for making mail-in balloting the rule rather than the exception, and had assured that those in charge of overseeing the mail were The Three C's - considerate, compassionate, and conscientious. 

Still, when facing the likes of Donald Trump, all this might not be enough, 

'What about the undocumented?', Kamala asked her campaign manager.  'Joe's whole purpose for letting them in was votes, and we can't let that go to waste'. 

The aide made it clear that while certain jurisdictions, like the DC government could permit the undocumented to vote in local elections, federal law still prohibited it.  

'Damn!', said the Vice President.  'Isn't there some way to get an easement, a fast-track? Not necessarily citizenship - that would be ideal but impracticable -  but maybe like a work permit, an Anticipatory Electoral Privilege?'

The justification for some minor manipulation of the election was clear - Donald Trump, the insurrectionist, the convicted felon, the dictator-in-waiting, Beelzebub himself simply had to be defeated.  There was no question about it. The ends justify the means. 

'Is there still time to send a special electoral envoy to Caracas for a meeting with Maduro?', Kamala asked. 'To find out anything that we might try here?  Nothing illegal per se, of course, but perhaps some deftly unique...' Here she looked for the right phrase...'acceleration....No, enhancement...Never mind, whatever we can use'. 

Although an envoy could have been sent to any one of a hundred countries in the world where 'free and fair' corrupted elections were held all the time; but Venezuela was the place because of the US-Venezuelan oil-based special friendship.  Joe had willingly overlooked all kinds of irregularities in the Maduro government because his country was now the Number One producer of oil in the world. Any and all Venezuelans wishing 'asylum' here would be let in just like Cubans.  No matter that Maduro was doing his version of the Mariel Boat People episode where Castro emptied his prisons of political prisoners, he was a friend  

 

'Try it', said the Vice President. 

As of this writing there are fewer than twelve weeks left before the election, so we will have to wait and see if any of Kamala's efforts to 'enhance' the results bore fruit.  Of course we will never know, unless the margin of victory is not unlike that of Venezuela or even Mali.  

'There's no way I'm going to lose this election', said Kamala, and with three months to go, plenty could happen.